Paintballin’
In my never ending quest to do things I’m scared of, which started last weekend with the yoga retreat (calm scares me) today I went paintballing.
Why would anyone be scared of paintballing? Because it hurts when little fluid filled balls smack into you at lightening speed. And anything that you have to be at least ten feet from someone to do equals a dangerous activity. Plus masks! and pads! And you can’t take off the mask inside the pen! And a pen. Around twenty people caged in an enclosed area with face masks and guns. How is that anything BUT scary?
We were told to wear long sleeved shirts and long pants. Long pants I had covered but a long sleeved shirt? Tropics does not equal long sleeved shirts. After much scavenging through my closets, I found a shirt i’d bought in korea with a large teddy bear on it that says Teenie Weenie in bold. Excellent.
Arriving at the playing field, I quickly noticed that me and my friends were pretty much the only ones who had adhered to this rule. Even the organizer was in short sleeves and shorts. If you can’t model proper safety, what good ARE you, organizer?
We were divided into teams for capture the flag. My team was on the defense. I was hidden behind some old cans and a tree. My mission was to stay put and shoot at others advancing. So i’m sitting there, peering out to the side of the cans or over the top occasionaly and thinking, my I hear a TON of shots. How are people shooting? I never see anyone. I keep seeing fallen comrades walking off the field with bright orange splotches livening up the jeans. Again, thinking, when do you SEE people? The pop! pop! pop!s slow down and for some reason that I can’t remember anymore, I full on stand up from behind the barricade to see what is up and POW! right in the crotch.
Youch, one might say. One of the few areas on my body not covered by padding or a helmet.
Eventually everyone is off the field and we switch sides, going on the offensive. Again with strategizing prior to going out. While everyone is strategizing I’m thinking, ummmm I’m not sure anyone understands what is being said and I’m pretty sure the strategies go out the window during actual play. But I don’t say this. The bell rings and we get started and five seconds in I feel something smack into my helmet. Assuming I’m hit and being a rules following kind of person, I hold up my hand to start walking off the field. As we have just started, I’m way in the back of the field and so have to walk the entire length of the battle. Walking with my hand up, no one is supposed to shoot me but someone clocks me right in the armpit.
Youch.
Next game, protected position on defense. I’m keeping my eyes out for the guards as I’m an assasin. I keep shooting and shooting at guns pointed in my direction. They are moving in closer and closer. My side keeps getting shot down. My gun locks and I’m unable to shoot. As I’m trying to jimmy it to work again, POW! The fleshy base of my thumb oozes with orange paint and pain.
Youch.
Last game free for all. Kill all the guys on the other side then take out the guys on yours. Due to my conservative play and uncanny ability to mimic a turtle, I am the last player on my team. I’m trying to hold off players to my right and left, but my barricade is huge and so I don’t see the assasin coming up on my right. Luckily she is kind and just mimics knifing me rather than shooting me.
At the end of all this pseudo violence, I had the most ammo left, for which I won an award.
I could have been more balls to the wall, but people don’t realize this is part of my overarching strategy. A long term hustle if you will. Based on my play of today they will underestimate me next time. I will draw them like a spider monkey into my web of deceit and next time when i STRIKE, they will experience extreme awe at my cunning.
